By Rocket Belden, Staff Writer
The geese that reside on Pellissippi State Community College’s Hardin Valley campus are beloved by many humans, aside from their frustration about the poop that litters the sidewalks.
However, in a shocking turn of events late Thursday evening, March 27th, a gaggle of geese took over Dr. Anthony Wise’s office, barricading it from the inside. They have presented the college with a list of demands, threatening to launch an all out attack on the campus if demands are not sufficiently met.
Other members of administration reported overhearing honking from the inside of Dr. Wise’s office about tactical uses of goose poop early on the 28th. The geese outside of the office seemed to be stockpiling their fecal matter and constructing launching devices out of sticks and mud, aimed at the Goins administration building.
Animal control was contacted about the matter, and reported being concerned about bird flu spreading via biowarfare if the geese were to attack. Security was contacted as to their lack of response, and a great deal of honking was heard in response.
As of Sunday the 30th, Dr. Wise still could not be contacted for a statement. His friends and family were concerned about his well-being, and faculty members pressed the Tennessee Board of Regents (TBR) to coordinate with the geese to release Dr. Wise from being held hostage and the Goins building from threat of biowarfare.
The list of demands presented by the geese was hefty, and they refused to budge on any one of them. To begin, the geese demanded a new circulation system for the ponds on campus, complaining that the quality of the water is hindering their lifestyle. From Dr. Wise’s office, they began contacting state contractors to enact such renovations to the ponds, however, the language barrier between the geese and the contractors prevented the contractors from taking up any work for the geese.
The geese also wanted to ban all dogs, bikes, frisbees, and, much to students’ overwhelming dismay, cars from campus. The geese are sick of having to steer clear of bikes and cars on the streets of campus, despite students’ objections that if they cannot park on campus, they will not be able to get to class. The geese do not seem to care about students’ ability to get to class.
The geese also demand that the cafeteria remake their meal plans to exclusively include grass, clover, and berries, with the occasional baby bass. They also demand all meals be made free, as geese do not use money.
TBR discussed with a goose representative all weekend to lighten their demands so that students would not be inconvenienced. However, before they could come to an agreement, US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) appeared on campus and detained the geese. When questioned over the detainment and removal of the geese, ICE officers commented that the geese were Canadian, and would be deported back to Canada within the coming days.
Dr. Wise has been released from his captivity, as have security, and the pond remains empty of all Canada geese.
